It is with pleasure that I’d like to give you a progress report on Memory Café.  It started in July of this year with 4 participants. It then moved up to 12 members.  Now going into November there are 19 members.

Memory Café meets once a month on the first Monday of each month, usually from 1:00 – 3:00 in the afternoon at Saint Mark Church.  It is a place where family caregivers and their loved ones with beginning to intermediate stages of dementia can come together to learn, laugh, cry and meet others in a similar circumstance.

Sometimes we sit and discuss concerns, do some easy and fun aerobics, have a snack and plan for the next meeting.  Other times we go on field trips.  We have had two outstanding field trips.  The first, in September was a pontoon ride on Lake Keowee.  We had enough people to fill two boats. What I noticed was the faces.  Both caregivers and loved ones with dementia relaxed.  There were smiles instead of tension.  There was laughter instead of frustration.  You could see couples holding hands conversing with others in the group.  They loved it so much that they wanted to plan another boat ride in the Spring.

 In the beginning of October, we went to Denver Downs.  Everyone was able to go on the hayride.  While on the hayride we stopped at a field where pumpkins grew.  Each participant chose

 a pumpkin, finished the ride and then went off to pet the animals, mostly friendly goats.  Both trips ended with snacking and eating picnic style where we found out interesting facts about each participant.

In November we are making decorations to cover a 7-foot tall Duke Power Christmas tree. December will be a party that will conclude by visiting Duke Power to admire our tree.

Please come join us.  We’d love to have you.  For more information call Bonnie Holmes at 864-916-9204

The addictions that come because of unresolved problems, unhappiness or stress is a topic we seldom think about and rarely talk about.  My friend Mary Ann was caught up in an addiction because of taking care of two loved ones at one time.  She felt like she had no life, she felt isolated and depressed, so an addiction soon followed. She helped me write this article.

We might insist that we don’t have an addiction, and yet perhaps we do.  Some people are addicted to alcohol, others food.  Some are addicted to drugs, smoking, or gambling.  Others might be addicted to shopping excessively online.

What is an addiction?  Addiction is a condition in which a person engages in use of a substance or in a behavior for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeatedly pursue the behavior despite detrimental consequences.

You, as a family caregiver of a senior loved one, may be vulnerable.  You are so involved in caregiving that you put your life on hold.  When caregiving for your loved one for years, your happiness wanes and may be replaced by anger, loneliness, exhaustion, etc.  You may recognize some of these signs:

Hunger: When you are hungry either you don’t eat, or you eat excessively.

Anger: If you are feeling overwhelmed or trapped you might resent being the family caregiver, but don’t want others to know.  So, you harbor anger and resentment, letting it build up.

Lonely: Some feel isolated and alone.  Perhaps family members who promised to help, were not as committed as you.  They left you with the whole burden. You don’t know how or where to go for help.

Tired: You might feel like a 24-hour nurse.  You become tired of feeling tired.

Loss of money: Family caregiving is expensive.  Buying equipment, medication, professional caregivers or residency in a facility for your loved one may eat away at your savings.

Any of the above may drive you into an addiction. What can you do instead?

If your loved one has any type of dementia you may get involved with a respite program or a support group or our newest offering a Memory Café.  At any of these events you may bring your loved one or get a voucher through the Alzheimer’s Association for a free caregiver for the event(s) you’d like to attend.  Please call or email me.  I will be happy to give you information for the type of support you need.  I’m just a phone call away.  Bonnie Holmes, 864-916-9204 or bonnielholmes1@gmail.com .  Please don’t let yourself become overwhelmed.  I’m just a phone call away and would love to help.

I did not grow up in a religious family.  We believed in God but did not attend church. In adulthood I had the privilege to care for members of my family in their senior years.  Caring for Dad was the longest.  It was six years.  I did not feel God’s presence and there were times I felt isolated and alone.  If I had known the power of prayer, I would have done much better. To uplift you, in your dark moments of caregiving, I asked Bob Stillwell, a dynamic retired minister, “What is the power of prayer and how can it help?”  Bob shared the following:

Perhaps the simplest way to understand prayer is to acknowledge that we yearn for a vital relationship with God and that God desires to express unconditional love for us.  So, prayer is talking to God, listening to God, praising God, thanking God, often waiting for God and responding to God.

We are encouraged and invited by the nudging of God’s Spirit to open ourselves and share as if confiding in a loving and trusted parent.  No magic words or formulas are necessary:  only authentic words.  They may be spontaneous or scripted.  They may be personal, private, or public.  And it’s reassuring to recall Paul’s promise to the Roman Christians: “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.”  (Romans 8:26)

Every exhausted caregiver for someone with dementia understands “groans and sighs” when words simply will not come.  It is also powerfully reassuring to know that others are faithfully interceding with their own prayers.

The main power of prayer is the gradual realization that we are not alone.  We are not without hope.  Imagine a divine healing presence alongside you and your loved one, awakening hope.

Often it helps to have a framework for prayers.  One such model follows the acronym “A.C.T.S.” (Adoration…Confession…Thanksgiving…Supplication.)

Begin with Adoration and praise.  Admit your human limitations.  Recall previous blessings.  Express your trust in God’s sovereignty and steadfast love.  Imagine a divine healing presence alongside you and your loved one, awakening hope.

Move to Confession.  Center on the reality of your situation.  Own up to your frailty, exhaustion, resentment, anger, fear, guilt, loneliness.  Allow yourself to be forgiven.

Spend time giving thanks.  There are positive blessings in every circumstance.  Cherish warm memories, moments of respite.  Express gratitude for resources, caring professionals who give honest feedback and exercise patience.  Thank God for companions on the journey who know what you are feeling.

Finally, ask God for what you need.  Try not to limit God to a specific, desired outcome.  But seek help, yearn for support, strength, patience, stamina.  Pray for self-awareness, courage, gentleness.  Ask for trust to be able to release your loved one into God’s future where wholeness and joy await.

Being in Hospice feels like they’ve lost the battle.  They’d rather be in denial.  This feeling of denial often keeps people from getting the best care possible, when they need it So many of my clients have fought bringing in Hospice for their care. Why?  They are fighters.  most.  Hospice is high-quality care that focuses on comfort and quality of life. It is paid for by Medicare, Medicaid, and most insurance plans.  Last year millions of dying Americans were cared for by hospice.  Yet, there are some important facts about hospice many people still do not know.

The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, in April of 2013 compiled and wrote these ten facts about hospice that everyone needs to know:

1. Hospice is not a place—it’s high-quality care that focuses on comfort and quality of life.
2. Hospice is paid for by Medicare, Medicaid, and most insurance plans. Fear of costs should never prevent a person from accessing hospice care.
3. Hospice serves anyone with a life-limiting illness, regardless of age or type of illness.
4. Hospice provides expert medical care as well as spiritual and emotional support to patients and families.
5. Research has shown that many Americans would prefer to be at home at the end of life—hospice makes this possible for most people.
6. Hospice serves people living in nursing homes and Assisted Living facilities.
7. Hospice patients and families can receive care for six months or longer.
8. A person may keep his or her referring physician involved while receiving hospice care.
9. Hospice offers grief and bereavement services to family members to help them adjust to the loss in their lives.
10. Research has shown people receiving hospice care can live longer than similar patients who do not opt for hospice.

If this information about hospice surprises you, take the time to find out more. The best time to learn about hospice is before you or someone in your family is facing a medical crisis.

My husband always took care of our finances.  Recently I learned from our accountant that our tax returns were not filled correctly.  My husband has the beginning stages of dementia and his memory is declining along with his organizational skills.  He never shared with me the bookkeeping, our stocks and bonds, or any other financial information.  I don’t know where to begin or how to take over.

This is a cry I often hear.  Therefore, Alex Vassey, my CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional, and I would like to share some good information.

There are “preventative measures” and there are “after the fact measures”.  We believe it’s always best to take preventative steps to avoid problems before they occur.  Since your husband is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease, he is still quite aware, can think and function on a meaningful level.  This is the time to encourage him to share information with you, even if you haven’t shown an interest in financial matters before.  The things he should share include: the location of all bank statements; passwords for all financial accounts, (if they are kept on line); and your financial durable power of attorney. If you don’t have a financial durable power of attorney yet, now is an important time to name one.  It could be you or an adult child who has an interest in financial matters and who acts in your best interest.  From this point forward your husband and the chosen financial power of attorney should have access to all statements.

If your husband enjoyed watching the market and making decisions as when to sell or buy stocks, he may not have a financial planner or adviser.  Under the circumstances now is a good time to find a good financial adviser your husband and financial power of attorney feel comfortable with and whose judgement is sound.

Finally, this is a good time to review beneficiaries.  So many people forget to update their decisions.

There are times you’ve waited too long, and the person in charge of the family finances is no longer able to make decisions or has died.  There are still steps that can be taken.  If possible, gather bank statements and locate bank and custodial information and take them to your family financial adviser.  If you don’t know where these statements are located, have your accountant or financial adviser review last year’s 1099 forms.  He will have good advice on where and how to locate financial statement as well as suggestions for further steps you should take.

One last piece of advice, make no significant changes until you have a complete understanding of your financial situation.

It is a shame when we don’t take an interest in our financial affairs until we are forced into it. Be proactive. Take “preventative measures” rather than being faced with “after the fact measures”.