Category Archives: Family Caregiver

By this time in my life I’ve made several resolutions.  Some I’ve kept for a few months.  Others lasted longer.  These resolutions were made in the years that my life was rather even; No real problems.  The resolutions ranged to giving up cigarettes to being kinder or more compassionate.

Have you ever noticed that when you’re caregiving for an older loved one with a serious health problem such as some form of dementia, New Year’s Resolutions are the last thing you’re thinking about?  Instead your focus is on survival. Maybe this is the time you really need to make a resolution—to give yourself rest and relaxation.   If you and your loved one live at home, you’ll find that 24/7 care for long periods of time (such as years) is exhausting.  There are many solutions and ways you can get respite for yourself and your loved one.

Respite for you and your loved one – An example of a free solutions is the Golden Corner Respite Care that meets every Thursday for 3 hours.  You drop your loved one of at the Episcopalian Church of Ascension (214 Northampton Rd, Seneca, SC 29672) at 1:00 and pick him or her up at 4:00. For more information call Cathy at (864) 973-7590

Memory Café – This is a free program offered at Saint Mark United Methodist church, where you and your loved one can have fun together. During our trips or programs, you’ll find caregivers and patients laughing, holding hands, making new friends with others who have similar problem.  Field trips include a boat ride, tie dying, visiting a farm or a zoo and many more sites.  In February we’re going to Kilwins Chocolates, a company in Greenville where we’ll see them making chocolate, get some ice cream and buy any candies that strike your fancy.  All programs are free.  For more information call Bonnie at 864-016-9204.

Support – There are several local support groups that include free care and activities for your loved one in a separate room.  These are especially good for gaining a perspective of your caregiving situation by asking questions and listening to others who have similar problems. For more information call Eunice at 864-882-8940.

Educational – There are several free educational programs given through the Greenville Hospital System.  Call Eunice (864-882-8940) for more information.  Clemson University sponsors the REACH PROGRAM.  Call Dr. Dye for more information on when and where they are given (864-656-4442). The Alzheimer’s Association sponsors several of their own educational programs and offer free caregiving for your loved one while you are attending an event.  Call Sam for more information 864-224-3045

For a slight fee you might investigate the Senior Solution Day Care Program.  Call Debra at 864-885-1000

In-Home Non-Medical Care – If you are financially able, In-Home Non-Medical care companies offer care at your convenience, for as many hours and days that you wish, right in your own home.  You will want to make sure the company offers reliable care and has good compassionate caregivers. There are several that are available.  My company, Loving Health Care, Inc. is local – not widespread throughout the US.  It is in Seneca, SC.   We service people in both Oconee and Pickens Counties. You can always talk to the owner directly and get any situation planned and/or resolved to your satisfaction. For more information call Bonnie at 864-916-9204.

So often we wrack our brains to bring out the creative side of our loved ones who have dementia. You’ll want to do something that is relatively quick and easy.  Yet you’ll want the end-product to look fantastic.  Have I got a project for you…tie dyeing.

A few weeks ago, an artist friend of mine, Sue Reiter, talked about holding classes for tie dyeing.  I purchased a 100% cotton sweat shirt and went to her home where she holds these classes.  I’m not very artistic but was willing to try. 

First you decide upon the colors you’d like on your shirt.  I chose blue and green.  Then you wrap your white cotton shirt in rubber bands as directed by Sue.  You put on gloves and dip various parts of your shirt in the vats of dye of your choice. When you’ve finished you put the shirt in a plastic bag and take it home. After 24 hours you take the shirt out of the bag, take off the rubber bands and put the shirt in the washer (alone without any other clothes) and then dryer.  Wait another day and re-wash the shirt, put it in the dryer, and you’re done.  Under Sue’s directions, the shirts look great.  You and your loved ones can’t make a mistake.  The project is a success no matter what colors you use.  I wear mine often.

What I like about the project is that the messy part is done at Sue’s home.  They are set up for it.  You take it home, follow her directions for completion and you have a product you and your loved one can wear with pride. 

The participants of Memory Café will be doing this project as a group on March 4^th.  You and your loved one with dementia are welcome to join us.

Memory Café is a place where family caregivers and their loved ones with beginning to intermediate stages of dementia can come together to learn, laugh, cry and meet others in a similar circumstance.  On March 4^th we’ll meet at 1:00 PM at St. Mark United Methodist Church on Quincy Road in the parking lot opposite the church.  We’ll then ride together over to Sue Reiter’s home.  For more information call Bonnie at 864-916-9204.

The holidays are a time when family and friends often come together. But for families living with loved ones who have dementia, the holidays can be tiring and stressful.  With some planning and adjusted expectations, your celebrations can still be happy, memorable occasions.  Some suggestions include:

Prepare the Guests.  Explain what has happened to the person with dementia.  Give examples of the memory loss behaviors your loved one with dementia (the patient) may have.  For example the patient may not remember your name or relationship.  However, what is most important is the meaningfulness of the moment spent together and not what the person remembers.

Adjust expectations.  Traditional holiday activities which the family has enjoyed throughout the years may have to change.  You are not obligated to attend every social gathering of the season.  Remember that each commitment you agree to means that you are also saying no to time to relax, time to prepare, and time to spend with prime loved ones. Set your limits early, stick to them and be clear about them with others.  You do not have to live up to the expectations of others.
Be good to yourself.  Give yourself permission to do only what you can reasonably manage. If you’ve always invited 15 to 20 people to your home, consider inviting only a few guests for a simple meal.  It will keep the noise level down, easier to manage, and less tiring.  Let others contribute.

Do a variation on a theme.  If evening confusion and agitation are a problem, consider changing a holiday dinner into a holiday lunch or brunch. Keep the hours of entertaining short. Guests might go sightseeing during hours you don’t want to entertain, giving you and your loved one a chance to rest and relax.

Involve the person with dementia in safe, manageable activities.  This can help to prepare the person for the holiday and give you an opportunity to spend quality time together.

Involve the person in holiday preparation.  As the person’s abilities allow, invite him or her to help you prepare food, wrap packages, help decorate or set the table. This could be as simple as having the person measure an ingredient or give decorations to you as you put them up.

Maintain a normal routine.  Sticking to the person’s normal routine will help keep the holidays from becoming disruptive or confusing.  Plan for breaks and rest throughout the day.

Build on past traditions and memories.  Focus on activities that are meaningful to the person with dementia. Your family member may find comfort in singing old holiday songs or looking through old photo albums.

I wish you and your family a very happy holiday season.

Have you ever felt that you, as a family caregiver of a dementia patient, need something new?  You have been involved in support programs, have read articles from the Alzheimer’s Association and have made good use of their voucher program.  Yet, you are still feeling drained physically, emotionally and financially. Well, there are two new programs that I’d like to bring to your attention: The Reach Program and Golden Corner Respite Care.

REACH is a clinical trial tested support program for family caregivers who have loved ones with dementia.  The acronym REACH stands for Resources for Enhancing Alzheimer’s Caregiver Heath.  This syllabus is run by Dr. Cheryl Dye and her graduate students.  Dr. Dye is a professor at Clemson and is the Director of Clemson University Institute for Engaged Aging.  I know Dr. Dye and am very impressed with her.

Currently the program is being offered at the Golden Corner Respite Care center in Seneca, at the Episcopal Church of the Ascension.  Participants drop their care recipients off at the activity program which is from 1:00-4:00 on Thursdays and then they come to class from 1:00 to 2:30. The family caregivers then have some free time before they pick up their loved one.  The current REACH program will end April 27 and is no longer open to new applicants.  However, a new program will start in the Fall. For more information call Dr. Dye at (864) 656-4442   Participants say it is marvelous.

I have observed the Golden Corner Respite Care program.  This program is for seniors who have beginning or intermediate dementia.  The participants must be independent, ambulatory and continent.  I am so impressed by the program that I have had each of my caregiving employees volunteer for one session.  I have also encouraged my clients who have dementia and who qualify, to become part of the program.

When clients come to me for care, I have noticed two things: (1) they have their own routine which often involves a lot of television and eating; (2) they have become isolated from peers.

Television and eating become sources of entertainment for clients.  While entertainment has its place, alone it is not balanced living.  We all need activities (whether we have dementia or not) that stimulate and challenge us intellectually, that exercise our body so that we remain agile and healthy, and friends with whom to socialize.  The Golden Corner Respite Care center offers all of this plus a nutritious snack.  There is a $20 per week fee that is currently paid by the Alzheimer’s Association for eligible participants.  For more information call Kathy Birkett at (864) 973-7590.

The program has made a big difference for my clients who attend.  They laugh and have fun and can’t wait for their next session.  The program has a residual effect.  At home, they are more open to physical exercise and intellectual stimulation, and they are happier people.

My husband has been a challenge to me.  He has dementia (since 1998), but the cause has not been identified by doctors yet.  He seems to be depressed and takes medication for this, yet his depression symptoms are getting worse.  He wants to lie in bed and/or sleep day and night.  He does not want to shower, shave, or engage in any type of activity.  He just wants to retreat to our bedroom to sleep or rest.  If we leave the house, he does not try to be sociable, even with relatives.  He just wants to go home and return to our bedroom.  He will not listen to my suggestions and the doctors offer little help. Thus, I feel frustrated.

These are the sentiments of one of my clients.

The challenge is two-fold.  One is finding the correct diagnosis and treatment for her husband; The second is for this wife to gain peace and quality of life.

I have always been a believer that health (both mental and physical) is one of the highest priorities in life.  In this case the first urgency is to understand the cause of the dementia.  The second is finding correct treatment for the depression and to get him into a normal wake/sleep routine that stimulates him through physical exercise and mental activities.  If one doctor does not have the answer, continue making appointments with specialists until the problem is diagnosed and the treatable symptoms are resolved. As you go from one specialist to another and research the problem take information you gather.  This way doctors can view more of the patient’s total condition.  I have also found that dementia seminars, live and on television are very informative.  You might find someone else who has similar symptoms. The  Alzheimer’s 24/7 hotline (1 (800)-272-3900) is also very helpful.

The condition of the husband contributes to the wife’s set of problems.  First and foremost, she must have the fortitude to continue researching and going to doctors until one can correctly diagnosis the cause of his dementia and successfully treat his reclusiveness.  The second is for her to form and depend on a strong support system.  The support system can be comprised of her own doctor, the Alzheimer’s association, family, friends, neighbors, church family, professional support groups and professional caregivers.  She needs to know each supportive person well and ask for the help that would be most natural for the advocate.  Some might be good listeners, others might offer suggestions and resources.  Some might replace her caregiving duties while others take her out for a fun-filled afternoon.  Some might be able to help monetarily while others take her away for a quick vacation.

We tend to try and solve our own problems.  Problems of this nature are too big to resolve alone.  People like to help if they are asked for something they feel comfortable giving.

Bonnie, I have been a faithful partner to my spouse for over 55 years.  For the last 5 years, she has had Alzheimer’s disease.  I feel like I have lost my wife to the disease.  Our relationship is gone.  I’m just her caregiver.  I have found a new woman who makes me feel alive and rejuvenated.  I do know when I married my wife I took vows “for better or for worse” and “‘til death do us part”.  On the other hand, I yearn for the relationship I’m now experiencing.  I don’t like feeling guilty.  On the other hand I don’t like the loneliness.  What’s your advice?

This is a very sensitive question. It is not our intention to cast judgement or dispersion on anyone.  Certainly, you are feeling lonely and isolated. Grief and vulnerability are natural in situations like yours.  We appreciate your very difficult time.  However, this answer may give food for thought on how to make deliberate decisions based on a well thought out plan.

Some questions you might ask yourself include the following: First, take inventory of what has made your relationship with your spouse special?  These factors might consist of commitment, good communication, mature emotional connection, and tender sexual expression.  They make marriage joyful and strong. Second, be clear, in your own mind, what it is you have lost. Is it all the components of a good marriage or only some components? No doubt you are experiencing real pain from those losses. Third, you are part of bigger picture that incudes your family and long-time close friends.  They are still likely to see you as part of a deeply committed relationship—never as “just a caregiver”.  They might surprise you with their understanding of your loneliness and feelings of loss.  It is these people who might give you good advice on fulfilling your needs.

There is no doubt that your relationship changes when you mate has Alzheimer’s.  Carefully evaluate any new relationship to be sure it promises the authenticity and depth you remember from the years when your spouse was herself.  Discuss these memories with your new friend and establish boundaries you both feel are appropriate.  Focus on group activities that offer diversion and fun without tempting you to casual intimacy you may regret.

Your yearning for intimacy and companionship is natural.  Go slowly with old and especially new relationships and think of the outcomes you really want

I love the holidays; don’t you?  They are a time when family and friends often come together. But for families living with loved ones who have dementia, the holidays can be tiring and stressful.  With some planning and adjusted expectations, your celebrations can still be happy, memorable occasions.  Some suggestions include preparing the guests, adjusting expectations and involving the person with dementia in safe, manageable activities.

Prepare the Guests.  Explain what has happened to the person with dementia.  Give examples of the memory loss behaviors your loved one with dementia (the patient) may have.  For example the patient may not remember your name or relationship.  However, what is most important is the meaningfulness of the moment spent together and not what the person remembers.

Adjust expectations.  Traditional holiday activities which the family has enjoyed throughout the years may have to change.  You are not obligated to attend every social gathering of the season.  Remember that each commitment you agree to means that you are also saying no to time to relax, time to prepare, and time to spend with prime loved ones. Set your limits early, stick to them and be clear about them with others.  You do not have to live up to the expectations of others.

Be good to yourself.  Give yourself permission to do only what you can reasonably manage. If you’ve always invited 15 to 20 people to your home, consider inviting only a few guests for a simple meal.  It will keep the noise level down, easier to manage, and less tiring.  Let others contribute.

Do a variation on a theme.  If evening confusion and agitation are a problem, consider changing a holiday dinner into a holiday lunch or brunch. Keep the hours of entertaining short. Guests might go sightseeing during hours you don’t want to entertain, giving you and your loved one a chance to rest and relax.

Involve the person with dementia in safe, manageable activities.  This can help to prepare the person for the holiday and give you an opportunity to spend quality time together.

Involve the person in holiday preparation.  As the person’s abilities allow, invite him or her to help you prepare food, wrap packages, help decorate or set the table. This could be as simple as having the person measure an ingredient or give decorations to you as you put them up.

Maintain a normal routine.  This will help keep the holidays from becoming disruptive or confusing.  Plan for breaks and rest throughout the day.

Build on past traditions and memories.  Focus on activities that are meaningful to the person with dementia. Your family member may find comfort in singing old holiday songs or looking through old photo albums.

I wish you and your family a very happy holiday season.